The Big Scare

As I've gotten older and moved around, I've kept very few close friends; I have usually found it pretty difficult to manage a social life and family life since I'm particularly picky with my time. That all changed about three years ago when I joined a local running group on a whim.

We're a pretty unlikely threesome: a nurse-turned-SAHM-married to a cardiologist, an accounting VP, and a teacher. Needless to say, I initially felt a little intimated by my running companions. While they were whisked away on lavish vacations, I felt like I was struggling sometimes just to make ends meet. We're all from three completely different worlds.

What we found as we've shared miles and miles and pavement though is that we're actually quite a bit alike. A lot alike. We're all very family oriented but realize that taking time for ourselves is critical. We like wine, good stories, laughing, cussing, traveling, and occasionally pushing ourselves to conquer 26.2 miles. We've managed to work in two girls' weekends (with running involved) that have been absolute awesomeness all the way.

It's a ridiculous comparison, but it almost feels like one of those friends with benefits relationships you always hear about and think how impossible they must be. We get along great but can go weeks without speaking and still be okay. Our usual reserved time to run is Saturday mornings, but when schedules get hectic, we might go three or four weeks without seeing each other.

So it was completely out of the ordinary for me to text them Monday night to ask if they'd like to meet earllllyyy Tuesday morning for a quick four miles. I've been struggling with motivation and thought a committed run would help. One accepted, one declined, and I can't help but feeling there was some divine intervention there.

I was running late to meet my buddy on an already tight schedule, and I was pretty frustrated with myself since I had to be back to get ready for work. But I made it, and we bundled up and braved the wind and cold. About three minutes into the run, my friend turned serious and said that at 9 a.m. she would be due to find out the results of a needle biopsy she had to have after having a routine (her first!) mammogram; she turned 40 in October. I hadn't seen her since our November weekend in San Antonio for the Rock n' Roll marathon and had no idea.

Let me just say this chick is the picture of fitness. She's what we all want to be. And she's genuine, tough, motivated. Very private, and a little stoic. I had no idea what to say. Where are those funny get-me-through-this reserve lines when you need them?

I asked her the usual questions, but my heart just flat out hurt. What the hell?? What the hell did I just hear? I honestly wanted to cry, but I knew she would hate that.

I thought about how at some point we're all going to face that with the ones we love. At least one. The point where you "hold hands" and wait for the news-good or bad. I wished our other friend could have been there with us. I hear her response was, "You're going to be okay because we're not wearing your picture on the back of a fucking t-shirt in a race." Ahhh, that I could have mustered up such candor.

I checked my phone every 20 minutes this morning not knowing what to expect and finally figuring the worst when I hadn't heard from her by noon. Turns out her results weren't ready (can you imagine???) and she was having to wait. By five she got confirmation: NO CANCER!!
Thank you, Jesus, through and through. I love my peeps, each and every one. I really am in awe of the power of prayer. I can honestly say that my mind was convinced that she had cancer- I just knew it. But my heart kept reaching out and asking for better news; praise HIM from whom all blessings flow.

Au naturale

For the past three years or so I've made a concerted effort go as natural as possible in terms of what's convenient and affordable. I'm not going to be making homemade mascara any time soon. But from the available selection of so-called natural products, I've tried to steer us toward making healthier choices.

I no longer drink soda, purchase artificial sweeteners (which I never really used anyway), and avoid ingredients with any kind of additives or food coloring. I don't like using canned foods because of the risk of BPA contamination, but I do. I try to buy fresh produce although it's not always organic. My skeptical self wonders how we would know if the products were truly organic or just labeled as such to squeeze out another $2-$3 per pound. Our meals aren't anything fancy, but they're not out of a box or a frozen dinner tray, so in that sense I think we're on the right track.

But I can't for the life of me find natural beauty products I like, so I often wonder if for all of my attempts at healthy eating, I'm really being counterproductive. The ingredient lists for things like lotion, lipstick, sunscreen, deodorant are overwhelming and dangerous when you look up some of their uses when isolated! It seems I'm always on the search for something effective, particularly deodorant. I've tried Tom's and Arm and Hammer, and I gotta say a big no on both. As a teacher I'm constantly moving around and interacting with people. After my latest attempt with Tom's, I smelled a little funk and realized it was me! I don't know if the cost of natural living is accepting that humans just weren't' meant to smell like coconut mangoes a la Bath & Body Works, but there's got to be a better way.

Happy New Year!

So long, 2011!
The past few years have been pretty trying for different reasons and as always I'm grateful for a new beginning. I had a thought that if I wrote down some of my goals, I might be more likely to stick with them. We'll see!

I'm definitely going to get back into better shape. I completely overindulged the last few months of '11. And while I'm not huge, I've lost a lot of muscle tone and endurance. I'm signed up for a Dallas half marathon in March, and I'm hoping to do the marathon relay in OKC. I definitely want to kick up my athleticism a notch as I was a bit lazy last year.

As for my diet, I'm thinking vegetarian again. I remember how clean I felt. The main issue is time; it seems like most vegetarian meals require so much prep time- a resource that I just don't have right now. Also, the men in my house fight me tooth and nail on this one, so I end up making two meals. It's frustrating and unfair to have to spend so much time trying to establish healthier habits. I read somewhere that enlisting older children to assist with food prep is an option. I'm actually a huge fan of this idea. Tyler will be turning 10 this year, and I can't think of a better activity for us. He would be learning a life skill and helping out the family in the process. I really do want to have him become more responsible for household work. I feel like I'm the one who does the majority of everything in the house....

Which brings me to my next goal: everyone in the house needs a job and a schedule. As a full-time working mother and student, I have precious little time. It seems that every waking minute of free time I have is spent on homework or trying to keep up the house. I really noticed that I was becoming increasingly burned out around October. It's a grueling schedule to keep when you're trying to also find time to run, read, and keep sane in general.

Mental healthwise- I definitely feel like I need a spiritual tune-up. While at the point in my life I'm a firm believer, I don't attend church as regularly as I used to. I have a bible that is set up for you to read daily passages and complete the entire bible in one year. That's something I've always wanted to do.

Some little things I'd like to do in 2012: bake more bread, camp, I'd actually like to go fishing, bake a pie from scratch (with merengue), detox and drink less alcohol, look into to starting a doctoral program, stick to yoga, complete home projects, go to Bonnaroo again!

Some little things I'm proud to have accomplished in 2011: three half marathons and one full marathon, successfully recovering my dining room chairs- they look brand new, starting a Master's program, baking a German chocolate from scratch, getting the bathroom painted, baking cookies with my kiddos, lots of bowling, establishing contact with my cousin whose mother tragically passed in 2010, ringing the kettle bell with both kids, kayaking, hosting Tyler's Halloween party and making all of the treats with my mom, running a 5K with my dad in the crappiest weather imaginable.

So here's to new beginnings, self improvement, and hopefully continued propserity in health, love, and life!

Stitch and Bitch

Back when I lived in Alaska, my sister-in-law and I decided we were going to teach ourselves to knit. I was working for a newspaper then, and there was a group of reporters who used to gather weekly for what they called "Stitch and Bitch." It sounded like a lot of fun, but with a baby at the time, leaving in the evening wasn't really a possibility for me. So we created our own. We did okay. I made a few mediocre scarves and never progressed beyond that point. Every few years or so I'd promise myself to pick it back up, and I never have.

Since reading my good buddy's blog on crochet, I thought I'd give it a whirl again. I tried for a good day or so to get the hang of crochet- but I just can't! I can get the initial two rows and then I'm lost. Here's as far as a I got:


I decided to go back to knitting for the time being, but I will hopefully have the heart to try crochet again. I think it's a prettier stitch.

My first project for now is a Slytherin Scarf (from Harry Potter) for Tyler. He is beyond thrilled. I just hope I don't screw it up. I'm not particularly fond of the type of yarn I chose. It seems too thick for this tight knit. We'll see.

Ramble on

I've been reading and enjoying Anne Lamott's works this past week; she is truly phenomenal. I started with Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life and moved on to read Grace (Eventually), Travelling Mercies (Some Thoughts on Faith), and I'm currently reading Plan B- Further Thoughts on Faith. I just can't seem to get enough. It's like I've found the mentor I'd always hoped I'd find. She's imperfect, spiritual, honest, very liberal- much more so than I. She's kind of opened my mind to the idea of 'coming out of the closet' spiritually. I've usually been reserved in this area as I do not consider myself a model Christian. I'm afraid of saying that out loud and then disappointing someone. Like the eyes of the world would be on me, waiting for some misstep. I really do have a lot of insecurity wrapped up in my spiritual journey. I'm not really well read in Scripture, and I don't feel like I know how to pray the right way, and I still get uncomfortable sometimes during worship. So I guess that's what appeals to me about Lamott- there's no shame or denying that she's a work in progress.

So....I'm in the middle of a work obligation where I have to take a test to add a certification to my teaching credentials; I've been stressing out about this for nearly a month. Not finding much opportunity for quiet at home, I decided to head to Starbucks (which I have NEVER done in my seven years here in Temple) to clear my head and to try to focus with a cup of coffee and a cake pop. Once inside, I headed for the most remote, closed off table, one that was facing a wall, clearly the perfect section for parties of one in need of head clearing and focusing. There was nothing about my demeanor suggesting I was there for friendship or mindless chit-chat. I meant business, dammit. That much should have been obvious.

About twenty minutes into my absolutely refocused studying, not feeling at all self-congratulatory for making progress, a guy who had been sitting a few tables near the front of the cafe suddenly pulls up the chair at the table-for-one directly next to me. Awesome. I knew he was going to strike up a conversation. And of course, he did. Started by asking what I was doing, what my tattoo meant. I'm getting really annoyed with the guy when I notice he has a Bible. I think great, well can't he see the ring? What's going on here? And then he asks if he can pray for me. Huh. Okay, buddy shoot. I guess I thought he meant he'd take my name and slip it to the prayer group at his church or something, but right then and there in front of God and everybody he starts praying for me. Not loud and preachy and over-zealous, but head-bowed ain't no hidin this business style. I was a little stunned, a little amused, and a little confused, and so of course I couldn't entirely focus on what he said the whole 3 minutes (it was pretty lengthy). He started off asking for blessings on my test (thank you), then kind of rambled, moved on to asking for me to be a Godly woman (say what?! Should I be insulted?), asked for me to fight like a lion against the dark one, and I actually kind of dug this part- he asked that God reveal his character a little bit more to me each day. And then he took up his Bible and left. It was so random and weird. Things like that just don't typically happen to me.

Well, I immediately became defensive. Did I look like a bad person? Somebody who needed to be asked for to be a Godly woman? Should strangers be asking for that kind of stuff? And then my heart softened a little, and I wondered if this was some kind of reaching out. Some kind of hey, you got this. On a couple different levels. The Bible is filled with unsuspecting inspirational characters.So much of the Bible and so much of what has caused such questions in me lies in interpretation. God doesn't ever seem to give straight up answers, sometimes it's all in the interpretation.

So yeah, maybe this guy really was a total creeper. Thankfully, I'll never know. It could just be that's exactly what I was supposed to hear today.

Starting Over

Okay, well I'm not loving the uber-personal turn the ol' blog has taken as of late. I guess I really needed to get some things off my chest, but it's still so raw. The reunion did end up going just fine. There were little pockets of discussions, questions, but no outright breakdowns. My dad ended up driving to my aunt's house, and that has been pretty difficult. Her beautiful house on the hill looks exactly the same except for the tarped and boarded back door. There is glass all over the deck where my cousin was shot- it hasn't been picked up. The Christmas tree is still up, lights are still strung around the deck. You can see a pair of her shoes on the railing and the grill is uncovered. It's like she went for a walk and is coming right back. I still can't understand why nothing looks aged even though it has all been exposed to the elements since November.

There are a lot of things we're never meant to know, and that's what I've been slowly starting to realize. We've got to keep moving forward knowing there is a plan, as difficult as it may be for us to understand in the present. So, I think I'm ready to lay this to rest instead of staring down infinite possibilities and questions; it's futile.

Safe travels

The boys and I are getting ready to head out to WV with my mom and dad. Since my parents moved to San Antonio three years ago, we've gone with them to see relatives. Prior to that, I hadn't seen anyone since my wedding.

I've always felt badly for them, though. They never- not once!- have taken an actual vacation for themselves. Every year they would save, save, save to be able to travel back "home" to visit their families. My mom's mom would reciprocate and visit us, and my dad's parents did a few times, but other than that we didn't really keep much contact with cousins, aunts, uncles the rest of the year. This was always a little depressing to me as I have a TON of cousins, mostly girls who are my age and were always my idols. Each one of them is amazing and unique, fun, adventurous...all of the things I've always wanted to be. I loved hearing their stories and hoped I could one day be a part of them.

My boys love this, of course. We've had some pretty interesting adventures that we wouldn't have had otherwise. Once, as we were trying to locate an historic family cemetery dating back to the Civil War, we ended up on a narrow dirt road, almost out of gas, completely turned around and a little freaked out! We've eaten at country diners and some pretty snazzy truck stop buffets, cussed at idiot drivers on the highway, and seen up close and personal the country that inspired John Denver's "Country Roads" - ha!

My brother decided he didn't want to fly in from Japan this year, and that sucks. I haven't seen him since 2009. I really feel like he needed to be there this year, but I understand his trepidation. His wife has never met the fam (extended fam), and this might be an odd year to do so. I keep trying to predict how it's going to be. Do we jump right into our old skin and not mention anything? Is my cousin Kelly going to be there? How do I look at her and not break down and cry? This is a particularly distressing situation for me. Kelly and I used to be so close. Our last real communication was the summer before my wedding when she declined to be a part of it. That was a major blow- we had been so close, I couldn't figure out why she would say no. We hadn't spoken or seen each other since; she completely cut herself off from the rest of the family. I knew after it all happened I should write to her, tell her how sorry I was, etc. but I could not find the words; I didn't even try.

I just don't see how any of us can be the same, and I really feel like this is the end of the road for us in a lot of ways. I think most everyone has moved on in his own way, but what happens when we're put together? We're either going to be congruous pieces of a complicated puzzle or shards of irreparable glass.