Safe travels

The boys and I are getting ready to head out to WV with my mom and dad. Since my parents moved to San Antonio three years ago, we've gone with them to see relatives. Prior to that, I hadn't seen anyone since my wedding.

I've always felt badly for them, though. They never- not once!- have taken an actual vacation for themselves. Every year they would save, save, save to be able to travel back "home" to visit their families. My mom's mom would reciprocate and visit us, and my dad's parents did a few times, but other than that we didn't really keep much contact with cousins, aunts, uncles the rest of the year. This was always a little depressing to me as I have a TON of cousins, mostly girls who are my age and were always my idols. Each one of them is amazing and unique, fun, adventurous...all of the things I've always wanted to be. I loved hearing their stories and hoped I could one day be a part of them.

My boys love this, of course. We've had some pretty interesting adventures that we wouldn't have had otherwise. Once, as we were trying to locate an historic family cemetery dating back to the Civil War, we ended up on a narrow dirt road, almost out of gas, completely turned around and a little freaked out! We've eaten at country diners and some pretty snazzy truck stop buffets, cussed at idiot drivers on the highway, and seen up close and personal the country that inspired John Denver's "Country Roads" - ha!

My brother decided he didn't want to fly in from Japan this year, and that sucks. I haven't seen him since 2009. I really feel like he needed to be there this year, but I understand his trepidation. His wife has never met the fam (extended fam), and this might be an odd year to do so. I keep trying to predict how it's going to be. Do we jump right into our old skin and not mention anything? Is my cousin Kelly going to be there? How do I look at her and not break down and cry? This is a particularly distressing situation for me. Kelly and I used to be so close. Our last real communication was the summer before my wedding when she declined to be a part of it. That was a major blow- we had been so close, I couldn't figure out why she would say no. We hadn't spoken or seen each other since; she completely cut herself off from the rest of the family. I knew after it all happened I should write to her, tell her how sorry I was, etc. but I could not find the words; I didn't even try.

I just don't see how any of us can be the same, and I really feel like this is the end of the road for us in a lot of ways. I think most everyone has moved on in his own way, but what happens when we're put together? We're either going to be congruous pieces of a complicated puzzle or shards of irreparable glass.

Part 2

Wow...it's really weird having your biz out for the universe to see. It's therapeutic in a way, kind of like having a prayer wall- you write it down, fold it up, stick it in the wall, and let it go.





I think I'm hypersensitive because my family reunion is coming up, and this will be the first time I've seen anyone since Marianne and Scotty. I wonder how we're going to be. My family is exactly like me- loud, boisterous, tends to overdo it. I don't know how the "new" us will be. I think we're all asking ourselves the same things: Why? How does this happen? Our family? Them? Is it genetic? Was he truly crazy and we just didn't see it? Or what's deep and dark and hidden? Can it get to us, too?





The details are pretty hard to go through, and I've tried very hard to protect Tyler and Logan from knowing what happened. Tyler knows my aunt was killed, but he doesn't know any more than that. I'd like it to stay that way. But what if there something more we need to know?





Here's a link to a news story that came out soon after her death. Nothing is as surreal as seeing your own family on the news: http://www.wdtv.com/index.php/home/local-news/3925-first-on-5-news-update-son-accused-of-murdering-mother-killed-in-police-shootout

I feel like there are so many loose ends, and to this day, I have yet to dream about her. It's a very empty and foreboding feeling. I keep waiting. I did actually have a dream about Scotty- I was chasing him through a house trying to be calm and ask him questions. He wouldn't speak, only smile and move room to room.

The big one- part uno

I hate death; we've had an unnatural relationship since I was 12 and my grandad died on my birthday. Is there ever a convenient time to realize your mortality?

I've been pretty lucky since then, having only had to attend one more funeral: his wife-my grandma. That's virtually unheard of for a person my age- no death, no disease. Praise God, I am blessed! We should all be so lucky.

I'm a very cynical person and the idea that our time is right around the corner at any time is something anyone who knows me will say is my double-edged sword. It's my driving force a lot of times, rationally or otherwise.

As I struggle as to find where I fit into HIS plan, two incidents that have greatly affected me persist: the death of my ex-boyfriend, Justin, and the murder of my aunt, Marianne. I guess I just assumed that you live- you die. That's it. There's natural order and logical progression and that's that. I had no idea that I had new things to learn about the concept of time.

With Justin, what I find most odd is that I dream about him all of the time. It's nothing odd, but nothing that I've discussed with my husband (who's attended fewer funerals than I have, subsequently superfluously blessed). It's always the same scenario: Justin and I are over in terms of our relationship (which leads me to believe that we were truly over and healed), but I have this admiration and understanding and need to save him. I always meet him hours before his death and I repeatedly beg him to see a doctor. It's so odd. It's the weirdest kind of "love." We were a lot of things in our 4 1/2 years, but eternally connected is not one of them. I thought, "that was that." So what is my subconscious trying to work out? Don't get me wrong, it's not an every night kind of deal, but it's frequent enough to wonder: Why? Who or what has issues to work out, and what are they? I truly feel like we said and did all we had to say or do- no more, no less. I don't feel personally cheated, but I do feel for his wife and children. Will they know all there was to know about him?

What I could never have prepared for, however, is the murder of my aunt Marianne, by her own son- my cousin- Scotty.

As a military brat, I rarely had the opportunity to visit with family save our yearly summer vacations. My parents were wonderful about that- they truly wanted us to know family. For some reason, my dad's sister, Marianne, is the one we (my brother and I) most connected with. We would beg our parents to stay with her for one of the two weeks were "home." There was Scotty, a brilliant guy, one year older than me; Kelly, my girl!! a year younger, but we were 'sistas'; and Adam, who was a year or two older than Jay, my little brother. We all had someone to hang with, and each other. They lived out in the country; we spent our summers picking blueberries, running barefoot, catching frogs, staying up late telling ghost stories...it was as idyllic as it got.

Naturally, we grew apart with time, though I never stopped believing this seemingly perfect family would forever prosper and remain so. Nothing, nothing, nothing, would ever surprise me more.

Babies

Lately I've been hearing the ol' biological clock tick-tick-ticking away. Everywhere I turn there are babies, babies, babies. And while I'm capable of actually having more children, we've decided our family is complete.

I think what I'm missing most is the fact that I will never have a daughter. Don't get me wrong, I love my boys more than anything in the world, but I can't help but feel that there's an experience I'll be missing. I didn't have a sister, and I moved around so much as a child that sometimes finding friends was difficult. I've always been so jealous of women who have sisters or really close girlfriends. They're always so close to each other, or usually very close. My brother and I rarely talk; we may send an occasional email, but it's certainly not the confidante-type relationship I always wanted. I guess it sounds like a daughter would just be filling a void and maybe that's why God decided to surround me with so many dudes!

I worry that once my boys are grown and gone they won't want to be as close. My mom and I fight constantly, but we're the closest of friends. I can't imagine not having her or that relationship.

Being pregnant is something I miss, too. There really is nothing like it, and it's just hard to accept that those times have come and gone. Everyday Logan is becoming more little boy and less baby, and though it's gratifying to see that, it can also be a little depressing. This is all purely selfish, me holding on too tightly. I've always been afraid to move on when the present seems like the best that can ever be.

Secrets

Today I did something completely for myself, something so unlike me I still can't believe I did it: I had some "untraditional" photos taken. They were tasteful, nothing weird, but still so unbelievably not me.





About a month ago while perusing the internet, I came across a site called lonestarpinup.com (they were featured as being part of a woman's expo in the Fort Hood area). The site featured women of all shapes, sizes, and ethnicities who have been made up in 40's-50's glam hair, makeup, and wardrobe; I knew immediately I wanted to do it. Despite the potential for Glamour-Shotty ridiculousness, this place was legit.





It would have been so much more fun to go with a group of girls. I'm so uncomfortable in front of the camera, honestly. I do post a lot of pictures on facebook, but it's usually because I'm so damn excited at having taken a decent photo! So really though, taking pictures is hard for me. I've always had body image issues, never having liked my red hair, freckles, uber-white skin. Throw ever-creeping crow's feet, seemingly more uneven teeth, and age spots into the mix and conditions are ripe for an ultra underconfident session. Even though I had misgivings about being pinup girl material (nevermind what my MOTHER would say), I decided to keep the appointment.





The studio turns out some great work, and I truly think that is part of the appeal- you see how they've turned everyday women into these bombshells; every woman deserves to feel like that at least once in her life. I don't really know what I was expecting. The studio was small, a little on the messy side, didn't smell all that great, and the atmosphere was forced rather than friendly. Don't get me wrong, I loved my hair and make up, sort of liked the USO-themed outfit (it was Army - blah), but something just didn't feel right. And I realized, as I'm terrified in 6-inch patent leather red heels and an uber short skirt with my ass sticking out, that it's really about confidence and being comfortable with who you are- two things I've eternally sucked at!! Who did I think I was, Bettie Page? Ha!

Mulligans

Here goes my fifth attempt at blogging! I'm a chronic blog-and-deleter: I'll get a few posts down and immediately delete them. But, I really enjoy reading other people's blogs and thought maybe I could share my 10 cents from time to time and get some writing done in the process.